Some days I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. Not because of how I look but because there are still so many days that I am battling myself on who I am supposed to become and how I am supposed to use this platform to change the world. I’ve become so strong in helping other women reach their goals physically and mentally but find that I rarely take my own advice.

I’m timid. And why?

I’m learning some things about myself recently and I think the fact that I can sit here and write about it shows I am growing stronger right in this moment. Right as I type I know that in order for me to get to the next level in my career I have to stop downplaying my vision to fit in. I have to stop living as half of myself just because I am scared handling all of me will make me different from others. And now I’m asking the question, “ Since when is being different a bad thing?”

Everything I’ve wanted for myself and for my family is anything but small. Everything requires intense drive, dedication, and motivation towards the goal. Not one goal I set doesn’t require sacrifice, yet when people ask me what I do, I smile and lower my head to proclaim my profession as an online fitness and business coach. Listen, I am SO proud of what I do, yet when someone asks me, I get shy as if someone won’t take me seriously. The truth is, I have been making myself SMALL. Performing just enough to get noticed but enough to stay in the background and not attract too much attention.

Who am I?

I am a mother and a wife whose number one priority is creating a life for my family that gives us TIME, stability, and freedom. My next BIG goal is retiring my husband and paying for and building our dream home in cash. I am so ridiculously passionate about entrepreneurship that I never get tired of work. In fact, my biggest stress comes from trying to be ALL of the things at once in their most purest form. I pride myself to a fault on being able to do it all from a present parent to a kickass business owner to making my husband proud to call me his wife. Does it result in a monthly meltdown? Yes. Noone forces these things on me either, instead I create this chaos for myself. And the truth? It doesn’t come without a price.

In fact, 3 days ago I was sitting at my kitchen island finishing up an email as my daughter was tugging on my shirt to play a game with her. I told her to go play and that I’d be there in a minute, in which she lowered her head, puckered her lips and looked at me with glassy eyes to say, “ not nice mommy.” It was like my whole world flashed before my eyes to solidify everything the enemy had been telling me all along, “ you’re failing.”

I immediately closed my half written email, shut the computer, and scooped up my little bear to remind her how much I loved her, squeezing her tight so she couldn’t see the heartbreak all over my face. And you know what’s crazy about sharing this? That someone reading this right now will judge me. You’ll assume that I neglect my child and that I’m not a good mother. You’ll even convince yourself that’s why YOU never decided to take a chance on creating your dream life for your family because you would NEVER neglect your children. Yet you’re the same mother that scrolls your newsfeed for 20 minutes each hour to gossip about someone else’s life or find the newest cute puppy video. But shame on ME.

Working women get backlash from anyone and everyone who can’t understand our desire to work. While stay at home moms slam us for being away from our children. But you know, I bet stay at home moms feel similarly judged by working women who can’t relate to THEIR choice. Almost as if ALL OF US are just a bunch of kids ourselves on a playground trying to fit in. Hiding all parts of who we really are to make sure we get a turn on the see-saw.

It really makes me wonder, HOW MANY women are walking around RIGHT NOW living as only HALF of who God intended for them to be?

I’ve lived in this fear since the day my daughter was born. If I just downplay how much I love to work, people won’t question my ability to be a great mom. You can see the immense fear and mom guilt all over my face everytime I have to take a business trip. As if since I “choose” to do this business, I can also “choose” not to travel. I take the trips, well sort of. For the last two years I’ve said NO to rewards trips that were pure “vacation” mostly because I couldn’t justify being away from my daughter for fun. And I convince myself that attending events with guest speakers and planned team functions are a must because I MUST be an example to my team. But because I am traveling 2-3 times per year, for 5-6 days, you’ll never see a night I am out with my husband unless I get to put my daughter to bed first. And ONLY will I take a DAY DATE if she’s with her grandparents, because I know I don’t exist when they are around anyways. ;) But how many day dates have we had since she was born almost 2 years ago ?

½ of ONE because my husband ended up with the flu that day. LOLOLOLOLOL. (another story)

Like I said, I’m a work in progress. I’ve got my own issues just like the next person.

But here is what I’ve decided.

I refuse to raise her in thinking that one parent is in charge of who she will become. I was raised by a working a mother and the village of Fairmont, West Virginia.

I refuse to allow Mj to believe that having a career has anything to do with how much she loves her children or her spouse.

Mj will have the choice. If she chooses to be at home, I will support her with all of my heart, but I will never teach her that there is only one way to be.

She will know hard work when she sees it, and she won’t be scared of it. Because whether you stay at home with your kids all day or run a business, BOTH are hard. And if you do both like me, well .. now you might know why fitness is my therapy. LOL. Juggling anything with kids is a daily marathon, lets be honest.

Anyways, this is just one small layer that I refuse to let cover me up anymore. Because who I am , the REAL ME, is no accident and neither were you, girl.

The dreams you have for yourself are NOT silly, they are the roadmap to what you are meant to do in this life. Don’t sit this one out because last time I checked, this thing called life only happens ONCE. Embrace the Chaos of “working mother” if that’s what your heart says to do and give yourself a little grace along the way. Lastly, know that you are doing nothing but creating OPPORTUNITY for your future and your children’s future.

Sincerely,

a crazy, sleep deprived, fulfilled, girlboss momma <3

Dream big, momma!